Unwrittensong's Blog

Treasures

unwrittensong — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 18:38:46 +0000

There are lots of things I treasure, tangible or not. The stuffed toy I received for Christmas, when someone greet me on my birthday, time spent with my aunt and cousins, my anonymity, Flora the piano, color red, my favorite shirt, my artworks, our home, my friends, my faith, and time. They might vary on priority but they are important to me. It’s nearly Christmas and to those I treasure, I’ll make another batch of leche flans to hand out. I wish all the trouble gone, and everyone happy. I’m afraid I’m not nice this year so Santa might forget me, but I hope that next year I can be nicer.

I treasure peace, I’m afraid of angry people, they are scary, they do impulsive stuff, so do I. I value peace a lot, I just wish I don’t go with the norm that much and be my loner self again, but then, that “norm” is the price for having reliable friends. I know stuff I wish I don’t, and I know stuff I wish I can relay to someone but can’t. I value my freedom even if I barely have any, I treasure silence most, even if I don’t seem like a person who likes it. The monotonous ambient sound is calming.

Puppeteer and Puppet

unwrittensong — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 19:04:40 +0000

I am a puppet and you are my puppeteer.

You’ve told me once,

You’ve told me loads of times,

What I must do,

What you want me to do,

What I WILL do.

You know my behavior,

I know how you want me to behave,

You know what I need,

You know what I want,

You know everything,

But you can’t notice any of it.

I’ve always sat under your strings,

Tidy and neat,

Proper and obedient,

For what else can I do,

But move according to your orders.

I don’t dare stand up,

I don’t dare sit down,

If not for your wishes,

I will not dare do anything.

But now I found something,

Far from your knowledge I desire,

Your steadfast rules,

My momentary freedom,

Just like toys,

Moving in the dead of the night.

But comes morning,

I shall be but a puppet once more,

Not a sound unless you desire it,

Not a motion unless you will it.

How shall I fare?

Break from the strings and be happy?

Happy but ruined,

Under your pursuit,

Trying to grab me back.

Or shall I stay and let you have it all,

My will and my freedom,

Immobile,

Unknowing,

Unaware,

Never knowing what happiness really is.

If you were the puppet,

And I were the puppeteer,

Same as you were and same as I am.

How would you feel?

What would you do?

Judge me much?

unwrittensong — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 16:47:24 +0000

As I said in my earlier blogs, I’m pure Chinese and I”m living in the Philippines. Most Filipinos expect people like me to be good at Chinese or speak the language, some try to learn a few words and deem themselves much better if their Chinese friends doesn’t understand them, but what the heck? Chinese language is complicated, a different tone, a slightly different pronunciation and you’ll come out with a different meaning, if we, Chinese people, can’t master our own language, what right do other people have to judge us and murmur “She doesn’t know Chinese.” It’s simply irritating because in the first place, they don’t even know which dialect they were taught, whether it was Fookien or Mandarin, even Cantonese.

I had an encounter with such just earlier. I’m obviously younger than he was, but why did he act so childishly, like a bully taking pride in bullying an obvious weak target without even realizing that he was the one who made a mistake, get what I mean? If not, nevermind. He was taking pride in his sentence “Do you know how to speak Chinese?” but I know how to say that in two dialects, Mandarin and Fookien, and he simply didn’t match what I know, and what he said was garbled, how does he expect me to understand it? And he was judging me as someone who doesn’t know how to speak Chinese when he himself can’t be so sure which word means which.

Sorry for ranting, but even if I myself is a “knowitall” sort of person, I still hate his kind the most.

forgive, forget?

unwrittensong — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 21:00:41 +0000

Have you ever realized?
How easy it is to trust,
But not easy to regain it?
Easier to forgive,
Than to forget?
But then again,
That much trust,

I’m not supposed to give,

Specially to you,

The one I’m supposed to avoid…

All Lies

unwrittensong — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 20:15:09 +0000

There have always been set things that were implanted on us since we were children, like the traditions, manners and norms. We often follow them blindly because, first of all, we practiced them without even knowing what they were for and what it means to do it. Sometimes we act differently and someone tells us to act naturally even though it’s usual to us, but not to them. Then we will be called hypocrites, right? And now, my main point is, sometimes, we lie too much to the point that we can’t even tell apart the lies from the truth, and we will be confused. This thought actually applies to “self” and not to the second person. mostly, it’s always easier to lie to ourselves than to lie to others.

Being taught what “should be” since childhood can really make a mind set. Also sometimes the fact that we prefer to simply follow because it is easier makes us cooperative even if we are sometimes against it. Right now, I think that people will often wonder, who they really are. Sometimes, because of those implanted thoughts and settings, people tend to lie to themselves and like what they do not like at all, only realizing later after so much waste, that they have been lying to themselves all along.

Stung by Your Beauty

unwrittensong — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 19:06:31 +0000

I was just inspired by something I’ve read, since this probably wouldn’t be from my own experience being the me who shuns love right now. But this thought have long since lingered in my subconscious and I’m simply amazed by its simplicity, you might have read this somewhere else or you may have thought of this too or perhaps heard it. I’m just amazed at how God put symbols all around us. but his one is something I thought of from reading romantic stories. For an experience of my own is currently impossible, else a number of problems shall arise because of my current situation, being traditional Chinese in Philippines and all that. But then, here it goes:

I can’t word it the way that my heart craves to read and say but a simple sign that God just left me. Although I might be in a pinch for now, I shall not regret getting myself involved. I’d rather face this pain and suffer with you, than be in a bliss that I might not even know reality. But this now, like a rose, you are magnificent but with thorns. You are my delight, both for my eyes to feast and for my heart to love, and for these simple delights, I’m willing to face your price. For a rose as beautiful as you, I’d gladly prick my finger. Its sting shall be my reminder, that you are not but a dream I create. If you were too perfect, not a thorn to prick me, then the glory that I behold as I look at your wonder will be diminished. It will be but a dream, easily forgotten and almost senseless. Knowing that you prick me and let me experience pain as I behold your beauty, then I shall be happy to know that this is not just a dream. For I love you with all my heart, not being able to prove it simply wrecks my heart. For you the one I treasure, I would rather be stung as often as given, as long as I know that you are there and the pains are nothing, because you are worth it.

oddity

unwrittensong — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 18:33:18 +0000

there will never be any two things that are the same, the very fact that no two things occupy the same place, or the fact that each are made at different times, no matter what they are….

Immature

unwrittensong — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 18:18:39 +0000

I’ve always been fooling around, when I was in high school and now that I’m in college, I can’t remember a time when I took life seriously. I’ve always been childish, I like myself that way. Because somehow, I think, if I ever try to be mature, I’m afraid I might not be myself anymore or I’ll lose the only fuel to my arts. My being childish lets me live on my ideal world, just a few inches from reality. I know what reality is, but I never tried to live in it. I can see reality in a perfect view but I might no longer see my ideal world once I step into that reality.

The way I take the world, I seem like a person who won’t take anything seriously, I show my emotions, I play a lot, I fear, I laugh, I get angry, I love and I also dislike. In my ideal world, there is no such thing as hate, forgiving is just a word away “sorry” and hate is too strong for me… I can only dislike, but I never hate, I forgive, but I might not forget. I trust but it has limits, but most of the time, I’m too trustful, gullible.

I’m dependent on the kindness of the people around me, my friends, my family, my siblings. I probably have been more serious in my high school days when it was much more dreadful, but now in college that I have lots of friends I can rely on, I seem to forget that there is such a thing as betrayal. I know it’s existence but I don’t know how it feels. I’d rather be betrayed than to betray someone. Now I think about it, if ever a time comes when any of my friends betray me, I would probably fall to pieces and might find it hard to trust anyone. But it might open my eyes and make me take that first step into the cruel reality.

I want to close my eyes and never feel the poison that reality can kill me with, I would rather remain as I am, carefree and happy. I know sadness, I know anger, I know envy, I’ve felt them but it feels as if I can barely remember how they feel. I’ve been turning a blind eye to them.

Right now, I feel like I’m getting closer to reality, while this childishness lasts, I want to move on and be gone from this world, else I’m afraid I might turn bad and hurt the people I care for. One of the sad truths of reality, you hurt the people you love without meaning to.

Unwritten Friendship?

unwrittensong — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 14:14:06 +0000

Hopefully not… I doubt it can come to that but this recent cool is giving me chills. She is a treasured friend like every single on of my friends are, but I’m afraid that I’m either rubbing her wrong or she’s simply irritated that I’m always around, or rather, too much around.

I don’t want to talk about it with her, I’m afraid it might get worse and you can say I’m a coward. Also, recently, I’ve been feeling that she’s a little bit cold to me, but I do know that she’s busy but I think she’s always too busy for me… I hope that things get better soon… I don’t want to lose a precious friend. I might seem like a ranting child but please bear with me as losing a friend is one of the worst thing that can happen to me. I’ve lost a friend once, I don’t want to lose another…

UN-undo

unwrittensong — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 15:28:07 +0000

I just remembered, on contrary to my previous blog, if there were an undo button to life and I can change whatever I want, I’ll never use it. What I went through made me the way I am today, what I want me to be will not make my life any better because the way I am right now is the way God planned me to be, if He wills it, so it shall happen. I may not be entirely happy, but it’s enough, I’m grateful for it because He made it with His own hands. I’m special the way I am and I’d rather be the me that God planned than the me I want to be.

What I’ve been through, be it good or bad made me know people and experience things which probably wouldn’t have happened otherwise… I’m thankful for my friends and the circumstances I’ve been through, God knows what’s best for me.